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>Why I Suck

March 30, 2010


If you haven’t noticed yet, you probably will now; I believe in multiple titles. How often does something only address one matter? Rarely (never if you’re a master of digression, like me). So, children, today we will be dealing with two distinct topics. Take notes.
In celebration (or disgustation-I know, I made it up) of today’s inclimate (read/see: hellish and impossible) weather

I’ve developed a little feature I like to call “Why I Suck”. But why? Because I have a problem with being adequately prepared for things. I always seem to be lacking specific “pieces” that make living easy. I’m just a general mess. And I spill everything. But that’s a topic for another time.
  • I do not own an umbrella. I know, easily redeemable, right? NO! Because the last four umbrellas I’ve owned have been strays left at the restaurants I’ve worked at. I don’t work at a restaurant anymore and the only time I seem to remember that I don’t have an umbrella anymore is when it is raining. I don’t know if you know this, but when it’s raining in NYC, umbrellas are really easy to come by. Really easy to come by and sold at highway robbery prices. Fo sho. That being said, it was freakin pouring and all I had was a hood on my thin raincoat. Needless to say, my pants suffered this morning.
  • I do not own a raincoat. “But, you just said you have a hood on your raincoat!” False. There is a hood on my roommate’s extra raincoat, which she has so kindly donated to her sucky friend in times of need.
  • I do not own rain boots. I used to have rain boots (As opposed to a raincoat, which I literally have not owned since my mother bought my clothing-aka middle school), but they developed holes and I had to throw them away last summer (I don’t remember, but I would assume this occurred in June, when it rained every day. But I probably just wore flip flops and yelled “I don’t care!!! AT LEAST ITS FINALLY WARM!”) However, it was pouring this morning and aforementioned roommate and I made the sadistic promise to each other last night after eating a Jewish feast of matzoh balls and matzoh polenta (ummmmmaaaazing-but more on that later) that we would go to the gym this morning before work. At 6:30 am we headed out in the throes of the rain (seriously, I think we deserve a 6 pound weight loss just for going), and when we arrived I blow-dried my sneakers. And since I don’t have rain boots, when I left to go to work I did this morbidly embarrassing thing that I swore I would never, ever, ever, do. Wanna see a picture?
  • Those are my slacks (haha, I said ‘slacks’ again) tucked into my running shoes. I felt like such a dweeb (because the word ‘dweeb’ is reserved for things like this alone) that I had to take a picture.

  • Side Note: I just noticed there’s some guy in DC whose blog is called Color Inside The Lines. Ugh. Fail. Why am I so unoriginal? Would you all be confused and hate me if I changed the name of this? Why can’t I ever be prepared?! I guess that’s not a side note after all. I’m adding a bullet point to this.

I’m rethinking this whole “Why I Suck” topic. It’s making me feel really bad about myself and my inability to function normally in human society. Although, I did say yesterday that I might decidedly become a crazy person. Anywhooooot, I’ve decided to put a few things down in the vein of “Why I’m Kind of Okay”

  • My “boss” here at the law firm told me that I could leave on Friday for 2 hours for my audition, and that if I had any next week I could leave whenever, as long as I stayed another week. Because I’m worth it. Did you hear that L’Oreal? I’m worth it. So yeah, I’m going to stay another week.
  • At last night’s seder I made a new best friend (this guy!)

AND got voted “best Haggadah reader” (not in Hebrew, you fools, I can’t read backwards. In ENGLISH) for knowing how to properly acknowledge commas when reading aloud and having a soothing voice (Okay, I made that part up, but I’m sure everyone was thinking it).

  • The previous “win” really isn’t worthy of a bullet point, because as soon as we got back to the city (after a trip on the Jew express-seriously the entire train was full of post-seder reverse-commuters. A girl actually exclaimed, “If you ate brisket, move to the left aisle, and no more matzoh balls in the back, the train will tip over!”-I do love Jew Jersey) I disembarked the train and kind of upchucked some charoset. I know that’s too much information (ummm waaaay too much) but I’m feeling over-share-y today, so you got to hear about my over-eating and stomach’s refusal of excess apples and walnuts. (Again, so sorry…and so sorry that I only am “kind of” okay, as a human)
  • I “took lunch” in the office today since it’s monsoon season outside and I’m ill-equipped, and as a result got to sit in an abandoned office for a half hour. Guess what I did? I danced. I’m not kidding. I was feeling ballet-ish so I took off my shoes and did some pirouttes. And you know what? I felt better about life for a few seconds.
  • I’ve decided I’m going to *maybe* dye my hair blonde and definitely lose 15 pounds. This in no way related to the Lady Gaga article that I read yesterday. Operation starvation begins. Really not excited about this, but really need to do this. Not because I’m fat, but because I want to be on tv.

In other news, I just noticed that there’s a hole in my slacks. Guess where? RIGHT at the crotch. You know how I know? Because I just touched my crotch.

and then they fired me.


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