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>Weekly Catalogue

March 29, 2010

>As promised, I give you the soon-to-be weekly feature that needs a name, but is simply just a list of things I’m concerned with at the moment. Concerns, I think the kids are calling them.

  1. Recently, I’ve noticed people (namely those lunching next to me at Pret) “we”ing a lot of things. As in, “We had him over for dinner” or “We want a name for the baby that he won’t get made fun of for” (hint: avoid city names and childhood pets). This kind of disgusts me and makes me feel like I’m destined to become a “we can’t decide what kind of drapes to get for the study” kind of adult. Although, I probably need a job and to date someone who has a job before I can worry about these looming disasters of normalcy. Still, I’d rather be a “I just got back from Sao Paolo and we’re trying to decide where to spend the winter” adult. (Previous mentions of dillusions taken into consideration, please don’t repeat yourself, you know who you are.)
  2. I’m not on TV yet. I never used to even want to be on TV and all of a sudden its like my life has been invaded with thoughts of appearing on certain shows. Why is that girl on Parks and Recreation. You know, Aubrey Plaza, the one from Funny People? I mean, I kind of look like her, a little. And we’re certainly in the same age bracket. I’m bored, I want to be on TV.
  3. I can’t write stand-up comedy. This is probably one of many causes why #2 hasn’t happened yet, but I cannot seem to write a decent stand-up routine. I keep trying and everything sucks. Apparently, it’s not really that funny that my dad made me wear a Hockey helmet instead of a bike helmet when I was a kid. (Actually, yes it is, that’s just all I’ve got)
  4. I trained for and ran a half-marathon and didn’t lose any weight.
  5. #4 is true, albeit seemingly impossible. What is wrong with me? Also, this would probably aid dramatically in #2…
  6. I literally cannot decide if I’d rather be totally normal or totally crazy. You know, since I’m working on cultivating my image, a la Lady Gaga. Another reason I should probably avoid food. Like forever. Well, if I go with option “crazy”.
  7. I’ve been in rehearsals for this play for a few weeks now, and yesterday was our musical rehearsal. Because there are songs in the play. Because I have to sing in the play. Like in harmony. This is a viable concern because a) In 4th grade I sang a duet with Lauren H. and Lauren E. in front of the whole school. We sang along to the instrumental version of “Always Be My Baby” by Mariah Carey. Well, they sang, I started at my crotch and mumbled into the microphone, b) In my high school production of “Oklahoma” the musical director asked me to kindly mouth the words to the alto harmony instead of actually singing it, c) I will happily put on a pair of bootie shorts and dance to any number of Queen songs for a personal, or sizeable audience with no shame whatsoever(inquire within if you desire this particular service), but singing in front of anyone makes me turn beet red and suddenly feel the urge to hug my teddy bear and cry, and d) I’ve already talked too much about this play to too many people, and reneging invitations “because you really don’t want to hear me sing” would only inspire my friends to decide to get really drunk first and laugh at me throughout.
  8. I’m in need of a very serious bender. I’m talking 48 hours of binge drinking. I’ve been a really good girl lately and as mentioned, I haven’t lost any weight or felt particularly good about myself. Looks like Girls’ Night this Saturday is going to lead in to a festive Easter with the family. Not to mention next weekend’s trip to ye olde college for a rugby alumni weekend (no, I didn’t play rugby…but I know how to drink like I did).
  9. Dear Liver, Take note of #8. Respectfully (even though it seems otherwise), Adria

Major concern…what if they doesn’t resolve the show the way I want them to? What am I going to think about 83% of the time when it’s over? Will Desmond appear shirtless one more time? Can we please kill off Jack? And Claire? Can we make sure they never make a Lost movie, no matter how tempting. Also, if somebody ends up being “God” I’m going to throw a dharma beer at my tv.

That’s all. Off to jew it up!

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