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Moving Forward

January 6, 2015

Several times now, I’ve tried in vain to sum up 2014. For the past few years I’ve been able to chronicle my previous year on this blog and come out with some big lesson about the past twelve months. This past year was tough, though. I can’t seem to make sense of 2014.

My MapMyRun app tells me I ran 419.77 miles in 2014.

Spotify told me I listened to a ton of Beyonce, Ray LaMontagne, Hozier, Prince, Jessie Ware, Talking Heads, and Fleetwood Mac.

Virgin America and American Airlines tell me I’ve flown to New York and back five times [facepalm], San Francisco once, and New Orleans once.

Instagram tells me I posted 350 photos. Rough guess: 10% food, 10% selfies, 25% sky, 55% other.

But none of this matters, really. 2014 was tough. 2013 was exhausting and emotionally draining, but 2014 was a whole different kind of challenge. It was…close. It was close to right. It was almost right, but in being so close to being right, it was effectively, really, really, really wrong. The kind of wrong that is so close to perfect that it stings, it burns, it takes a melon baller to your gut and says “CLOSE, but no cigar, fucker.” Being so close to having things right is both uplifting and disappointing. Maybe, the lesson to bring into 2015 is that “you’re close” or maybe “don’t settle”, or maybe it is simply, “you know what you want. Go get it.”

The thing that’s great about almost getting what you want is that you realize what it is that you really do want, and that is priceless. Disappointment has always been my least favorite feeling. Anger goes along with yelling, sadness provides tears, joy allows for laughter, but disappointment has no release. This is why it is maybe, actually, secretly the best feeling. There’s no release for disappointment, but simply the opportunity to move forward differently and create a new, better outcome.

I decided sometime towards the end of 2014 that I wasn’t so much interested in being an actress anymore. This wasn’t devastating, or debilitating, or something I felt like announcing as much as just an evolution. I had the rare, bittersweet gift of two weeks of limbo mid-October to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and I realized that I’ve been doing it all along. Acting is a treat, but I’ve always been just as passionate about writing my own material, in fact, I’ve always been writing. I have notebooks and diaries and pages and pages and pages of words. I have entire folders of unfinished scripts on my desktop. It’s time to finish them. It’s time to realize that you almost have what you want, so now you can see what it is and go get it.

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