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I hate you, Adria

October 5, 2012

The moment has finally arrived. I officially can’t stand myself. It’s not because I’ve been living alone for three months (although, I’m getting really sick of the pile of clothes in the closet that I always have to pick up after my slob of a roommate, ie: me), or even because I haven’t been able to get to a yoga class in two weeks, but it’s because I’m not good enough. It’s the kind of self-flagellation that I can really be proud of.

It happened tonight in acting class. (Cue the point where 78% of you stop reading because you could care less about some fucking actor self-realization crap complete with tears and sobbing onstage about some childhood trauma in front of sixteen people whose first names you barely know and a teacher saying, “keep it coming! crying is gooooood”) But it wasn’t like that. It was because I realized I’m good. Hold up, I’m not saying that as a positive, it’s not an excellent thing, it’s terrible. Too many people are good, being good at something sucks. Now, being phenomenal at something? Being brilliant? Being the best? That’s what I need. I’m like this with every aspect of my life so why have I never applied it to my career? Because I’ve never been able to measure it before. I still can’t really measure it, but I can tell you this much, I’ve been wanting things for the wrong reasons. Not wanting to act to be famous or any of that bullshit, but wanting people to think I’m good. Wanting people to think I’m, like, totally awesome. Fuck people, people don’t know anything, people watched Gossip Girl for six seasons (I even watched it for one and a half, it’s catchy crap isn’t it?). I need to be better because what’s the damn point if I’m not? A great painter doesn’t sit down to paint every day saying “this stuff that I’ve been doing everyday is magnificent, let’s keep doing more of it forever.” No! A great painter sits down every day and says, “This is all crap, everything I’ve done before now has been crap and this has to be the best thing I’ve ever done, I need to make it better.” So I’m done with mediocrity. I’m done with being “good enough”. Screw all of that. It’s time to hate myself every day until I get better.

You know what? (and most of you probably do because I tell everyone this) I had a chance to go to an awesome theatre school and get a BFA that meant something to casting directors and agents and really do what I’ve known since I was a kid that I’ve wanted to do, and I didn’t go. I didn’t go. I didn’t go because I was scared that it was wrong, that it was maybe a bad choice and every fucking day I think about that choice and wonder what would be different if I had gone. I wouldn’t be friends with a bunch of people that I adore, but what would I have? What would I have missed. I would have missed a lot of frat parties and beers and skinny dipping in freezing cold lake water at four am, and a few great poetry classes possibly, but what am I missing now? Who knows. We can’t have regrets and I know that, but I can’t help but think that I really fucked up. That I really made the wrong choice. It’s easy to see when one of your best friends made the other choice. Of course everything is different for every individual person and where she is now and where I am now are not really that far apart, but I hate to think that I closed doors on my own possibilities. Every bit of who I am today is, of course, because of my experiences and I wouldn’t take any of that back, I just hate that I made a decision out of fear instead of in favor of it.

If something scares you, it’s probably the right thing to do. Except maybe sitting out on the curb at 2 am in a bad neighborhood, I’d never condone that. Hooligans are out and about, steer clear. Be safe kiddies.


One Comment leave one →
  1. October 5, 2012 7:02 PM

    I’m not sure I’d ever word it like this, but yeah. I agree. Wholeheartedly.

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