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Jealousy

September 19, 2012

I don’t think of myself as a jealous person. I’m a jealous person, but I don’t often admit it. It’s why I couldn’t be friends with someone we’ll call Kiki (because that’s her name) in third grade after she got the “5 Golden Rings” solo in the 12 Days of Christmas song our class was performing for the whole school and I had to sing “8 Maids A Milking” (my brief stint in Catholic School was no picnic). It’s why I knew my younger boyfriend in high school and I needed to break up before I went to college (it’s also why he agreed). It’s probably why I’m not as successful as I could be.

In pursuing a career/life in arts jealousy is a major issue. 45% of my friends and family are in the arts and 19.5% of the world population are*, and this makes for a very competitive market. You will meet people who are infinitely more talented than you who will rise to much-deserved success very quickly, you will meet people who are infinitely more talented than you who will suffer for years and years and never get the recognition they deserve. You will also meet people who are devoid of any talent or skill and certainly not deserving of praise and they will rise to success as you toil away at your craft, which is far further developed than theirs could ever be and you will bang your head against the wall saying, “why! WHY! WHY THEM!?” and cry yourself to sleep at night for a week straight.

*These percentages are neither fact nor based in anything truthful whatsoever, but simply made up. For effect.

So how do you deal with jealousy, you ask? I don’t know. I suck at it. I cried last night when I found out that a girl I used to work with got a series regular part on a network comedy airing in the spring. Not because I’m mad at her…no no no, not at all, I’m crazy happy for her. She’s one of those people who deserves it. She’s funny as hell and it doesn’t hurt that she looks like a Barbie doll, but better. I’m just all…wait…I don’t look like a Barbie and I can be funny sometimes but I’m not regularly out in public being funny. I mean sometimes I am, but when I am I don’t look like a dainty Barbie doll with a great agent. And then I cry and pull my eye mask on my eyes and go to sleep and wake up and wonder why I’m trying to compete with funny Barbie dolls.

When you’re a little kid (even up until you graduate from college in my case), you think about growing up to be a ______, and it is so exciting. You can hardly wait to graduate from school and go out and DO it, but then you try and it’s really hard, like crazy hard, like almost impossible. You don’t understand why you thought it would be easy, how you thought you’d do it, but you know you have to. You know it’s the only thing to do, but other people keep doing it and you think, “maybe I’m next”, but then someone else is next and you are still on your couch writing about jealousy and becoming bitter and useless at 25 26. Shit. So you do something about it. You create a project for yourself and you hope. Cross your fingers and hope.

Image

Still from “Stripped”

 

I wrote a pilot called “Stripped” that is slated to start shooting later this fall/winter. The teaser will be up soon, but in the meantime check out some more of the production stills from the teaser shoot here.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 20, 2012 11:03 AM

    I knew a blonde Barbie doll in university. She was in my Victorian Poetics class. You know what, she wasn’t even a Barbie doll – she was some sort of angelic goddess. Not only was she perfect to look at, but she was incredibly smart. Like crazy smart. My friend Kristen described her as “unfairly blessed.” I remember silently hating her for just knowing everything and how I found the class incredibly hard and confusing, then one day she out of the blue asked me how I was. Dammit, she’s nice too!

    I know how you feel. I see on Facebook my former classmates posting about their new jobs editing for XYZ magazine, and interviewing celebrities for newspapers. I’m like, yeah…I work at a coffee shop.

    You’re right, we have to take matters into our own hands and create things for ourselves. Maybe someday someone will be jealous of you – if there aren’t some out there already.

  2. Melinda Hughes permalink
    September 26, 2012 12:33 AM

    I am sure plenty of someones out there are jealous of you. And I am sure the funny Barbie doll who landed the series regular is jealous of someone. I know I have been on both ends of that game. One side is just a lot more painful than the other!

    • September 26, 2012 12:42 AM

      @allison I think it’s important to try and use those people as inspiration, not just another person to resent for their success, right?

      @melinda Grass is always greener, isn’t it? There’s always someone who you can compare yourself to, but I guess if we didn’t have that we wouldn’t have something pushing us to be greater. Painful? Maybe…but more than painful just possibly irritating 🙂

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