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It’s All Happening…

September 11, 2012

Everyone I know just got engaged.

Okay, so maybe that’s an exaggeration. Two of my close friends in couples aren’t engaged yet, and six of my friends are single. Okay, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, too, but crikey kids, did Jared Jewelers have a half-off sale on diamonds this past four weeks?

It’s not that I’m the bitter single friend, I used to be, but I can’t claim that title anymore because I’m not single. And I’m not even really bitter. I’m just not ready to get married, yet. Let’s be real, the photo above is  a depiction of me at this exact moment: writing this fresh out of the shower while eating frozen indian food, drinking red wine and wearing a bathrobe. Maybe that’s a bad example, actually. Maybe that photo is what marriage looks like. Or something. I don’t know, I’m not married.

Let’s get to the point, here, okay? I’m thrilled for all of my newly engaged friends and my friends getting married in the next few months, thrilled. I’m just scared. Not so much for you as for me. I’m scared because I can’t imagine knowing what I want to do next weekend, let alone for the rest of my life. This isn’t to say that I definitely don’t think I would want to be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life, it’s just…if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, why not take the extra few years to figure out if you’re really sure. Then again, maybe you shouldn’t take advice from someone who eats frozen dinner in a bathrobe at a table that’s too high for her chairs. Maybe when you know…you know.

Maybe this is a “me” problem? Maybe it’s because I chose a career path and thus a life that isn’t traditional (what does that mean?), or maybe I’m selfish, or maybe both (yup, both), but I’m so very much still figuring ME out. I don’t want to make a decision that effects the rest of my partner’s life based on how I feel this month. Or last month. Or next month. Because it constantly changes. Not my feelings about him, because I love him deeply, but my feelings about myself. My feelings about what kind of a person I am, what kind of person I want to be, how to get there. What if I want to go to Brazil for six weeks by myself? What if I want to move back to New York tomorrow? What if we are in different cities for several months? Well, hey, interesting you asked because we are. You know what? It’s hard. It sucks. It’s a test. But I’m glad we’re not married right now, I’ll tell you that. I’m glad we can figure out the strength of our relationship before we’ve committed to a lifetime of each others’ unpredictable schedules and general inability to make important decisions based on facts. Right now my only reason to get married would be because I really, really, really like to throw parties. I also really, really like to plan parties. I’m pretty sure wanting to have all of your friends at a party isn’t a reason to get married, though, it’s more of a reason to…I don’t know, have a dinner party or something.

I’m glad my friends are getting engaged and married, though. Maybe by the time I’m ready there will be a buy-sixteen-weddings-get-one-free coupon for the caterer. But some mornings, and very few, but some, I miss waking up next to my best friends on a gross couch somewhere and being thrown a cold, cheap beer at 9 am. But hey, we grow up quickly.



Post Script: I apologize for not writing something commemorating 9/11, but I really don’t know what to say that hasn’t been said and you all know I love the crap out of New York and I care…right? I care. I thought about New York all day, like most days, but a little better.

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