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On Cities and Love

May 24, 2012
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What happens when you can no longer pretend to be dissatisfied with Los Angeles, but you….just…love it? Were you pretending or did you really, really hate it at some point? Sure, the traffic is miserable and most of the people are made out of the air they put inside the plastic balls in the ball pits at fast food restaurants, but when you look past that, this is actually a pretty incredible place.

Let’s back up. I never wanted to fall in love with LA, in fact, my biggest fear has always been that I would move here and want to stay. Someone once said they left their heart in San Francisco, and call me old fashioned but I always want my heart to be in my body. There is only one first love, and for me there is only one true love, and New York will always be that. Few things have changed for the long term, I still want to “end up” in New York (whatever that means, and daily it means different things), but I am happier here on the day-to-day now.

A few weeks ago when my friends were in town something changed for me regarding my relationship with this city. I had spent so much time focusing on how difficult it is to have fun here that I forgot to just have fun. I realized that it wasn’t the city of Los Angeles that was holding me back, but the lack of gusto and the right friends being around. So I took matters in to my own hands and decided that I was developing nice enough friendships with a few people to push them in to what I like to call “serious friendships”, you know, girls you talk to more than once a week. So I had a brunch party. And almost no one showed up, but the people that did, well, we made plans for more things and those more things turned in to more and more things and before you knew it I was lying on my deck in a bikini two weekends in a row with the same crowd. Boom. A few long walks in the neighborhood smelling honeysuckle and several glasses of wine and I can fall in love with just about anything.

It doesn’t help that every time I talk to my Mom about doing anything enjoyable here she responds with “You’re never coming back, are you?”. She’s not trying to be rude, it’s our way, the passive aggressive, I’d-tell-you-that-I-miss-you-but-you-have-to-obviously-just-know-that-right?, guilt-tripping way of saying “I miss having you nearby”, which she also says, every other time. It makes it harder to enjoy things, though. I know that’s not what she’s trying to do, but every time I make a new friend or take a walk up in to the Echo Park hills and marvel at the gorgeous cottages along the Elysian Park border with their tall palm trees, lush gardens, views of downtown and the mountains I worry that I’m getting deeper and deeper in to staying here. Leaving places is hard, I form strong attachments to people and places. I refuse to put my childhood teddy bear (Really Bear)  anywhere more than twenty feet away from the bed that I sleep in, so, come on. So why be so afraid of being happy? Why be so afraid to enjoy being here, now? Because, it’s too scary to be okay with it, for now. But damn, it feels nice to wake up and feel lucky to be where you are.

Also, I really don’t miss carrying an extra outfit, umbrella and shoes in my huge purse on my shoulder all day. Also, I really miss being able to not worry about driving myself home on a canyon road after two glasses of wine (usually looong after). Also, I really don’t miss emerging from the subway in to a cloud of sweat only to walk up to the street to find that it is 90 degrees and pouring hot, acid rain on my audition outfit. Also, I really going to my parents’ house for dinner once a month. I could do this forever. Bottom line is, I live here in LA right now, I’m going to sit at the rooftop pool at The Standard Downtown all day tomorrow for my day off, and then next Friday, I’m going to take a plane and land at JFK and it will probably be muggy and it will probably rain and I will probably wait way longer for the subway then I expected and be late for dinner or drinks or something, but I won’t care, because I will probably cry tears of joy when that plane lands and then go get some serious Italian food. And then a week later I’ll come back to LA and plan a trip to Palm Springs.

Life is beautiful…

Sunset, Griffith Observatory from Hillhurst Ave

Los Feliz photo shoot outtake

One Comment leave one →
  1. May 30, 2012 11:56 AM

    I love LA too. And NY! It’s okay!

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