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You can’t always get what you want…

January 26, 2012

Look, life is basically an endless barrage of unforeseen costs and irritating changes of plans, right? So what does that mean? It means that you have to be prepared for things to go wrong. It means that you have to expect things to be difficult. It means that you cannot continue to live in a fantasy land where responsibilities can be ignored and there are not consequences.

This morning I spent several hours dealing with parking tickets, insurance companies, forwarding addresses for this year’s w2 tax forms, unpaid small claims verdicts owed to me, and credit card minimums. All before noon. And do you know what? It was scary. Like, really scary. I finally gave my car insurance company my real address and my premium went up by almost $500 for the year. WHAT? I knew this neighborhood was unsafe. I started “crunching some numbers” and realized that HOLY SHIT I HAVE NO MONEY AGAIN. I was literally in tears and decided to take a gamble on my luck and walk down to the mailbox, just in case I had a magical money delivery. Guess what? I did. I had a residual check that covered my ass for the payments that were due immediately. Does this solve all my problems? hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, no. Does it pay my rent? No. Does it cover my bills? No. Does it make me skinnier? Definitely not. Does it mean I can take that drive to Vegas this weekend? Probably not, but, a wise man once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might get what you need.” Well, he sang it, but no one wants to hear me sing.

I’m getting better at not ignoring things that might bite me on the ass later, and I’m getting better at not throwing fits every time I have to DEAL with something annoying. I’m not looking for a statue to be erected in my honor or anything, but I’m pretty proud of myself for taking this “adult” thing a little more seriously. Maybe one day I’ll open a savings account again.

Also, I wasn’t going to write about this because it felt very personal, but I’m going to because I feel like I need to work it out somewhere other than my own head. And possibly get advice. My Dad called me the other day to tell me how many pilots were shooting in New York and how he wasn’t entirely sure that me being in LA was a better choice than being in New York. Well, this information is not news to me, but nonetheless it inspired a nice tearful meltdown (this doesn’t counteract my previous statements about “growing up”, I don’t think, because this is important). Yes, there is a lot more opportunity for actors in cities other than Los Angeles, especially in New York, than there has been in the past. Yes, I miss it. Okay, I miss it a lot. I wake up some mornings and just want to go for a walk to the West Village. When I go for runs I pretend that the mountains are buildings and bridges. (I know, sick, right? Turning nature into steel?) I miss my friends. I miss having brunch with my Mom. I miss being proud of where I live. I miss NOT getting parking tickets/towed/pulled over and DUI tested. I miss listening to The Smiths and having it be cool, not make me appear Mexican (yes, this is sort of racist, but it isn’t meant that way, it’s just different). I miss…New York. Okay, now that that is out of the way, maybe this goes back to The Rolling Stones. Maybe even though LA isn’t what I want, it’s what I need. What if I just don’t know? I suppose I will wait it out another 10 months and see what happens. The goal was…what was the goal? To become successful, I guess, but that’s the problem, how does one measure success? I could leave now and call my time in LA a success, after all, I’ve booked a few things, I’ve learned a lot about myself, I’ve grown as a person and an actor, and I’ve acquired bi-coastal representation. But then again, I could also leave now and call myself a failure, I haven’t booked anything big out here (Spider-Man shot in NY and was booked through connections that are not determined by my geographical location, I don’t have a super cool amazing, trendy, famous group of friends (although, I have individual friends whom I’ve met here embodying each of these characteristics), I have not lost 25 pounds. Decisions are really a major pain in the ass. This is why I will stay until next November and see what kinds of opportunities I can create/take hold of in the meantime.

But man, I miss living inside you, New York.

From my Blackberry while running along the East River...2010

From my iPhone at this coffee shop...10 seconds ago


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