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Holiday Stress?

December 20, 2011

Does anyone else feel like they’ve been sprinting a race for the past two weeks, except instead of feeling euphoric from endorphin release and dropping weight like mad you’ve actually been subsisting on gingerbread houses and sugar cookies and have gained eight pounds? I mean, this is literally the first day I’ve had time to catch up on emails, unpaid parking tickets, and exercise in weeks. I’ve bought exactly one Christmas present (you’re welcome, Mom) and if I don’t get a manicure soon the dirt under my nails is going to require a zip code. (Actually, as I was typing that I decided it was time, went to the bathroom and got out my nail brush, so we’ve solved half the problem, lest you find me repulsive now).

So I guess my survival tip for the holidays for today is do as I say, not as I do. Shop early, get a manicure before shit gets crazy, pay your parking tickets right when you get them (or, rather, don’t get them), and stay away from the dessert table. Also, don’t eat at midnight, no matter how busy you are (says the girl with the tamale in her mouth).

Also, people shouldn’t be allowed to have December birthdays. I don’t mean to be mean, or say that I’m going to stop celebrating my friend’s and family’s birthdays in December oh shit my Dad’s birthday is tomorrow… but people should stop having unprotected sex in…March. Yup. Mandated it here. No more baby creating in March. No one wants to bone in March anyway. I just don’t have time to celebrate and shop for all of the holidays, and your birthday. No time. No offense.

Also, what is Facebook timeline? All of a sudden I feel 60 years old and out of touch. Help?


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