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Things That (might) Make You Feel Bad

December 9, 2011

I was thinking about bad gifts today, as I sat at a red light typing my ideas into my iPhone (and yes, I will fully admit that I used to be a good driver…and then I moved to LA) and I think I have an idea of what we should all give to that-annoying-friend-who-thinks-she’s-famous-but-really-never-will-be-because-her-hair-is-really-mousy-brown-and-she-can’t-sing-or-act-or-dance-and-won’t-have-sex-on-camera (I’m sure I’ll get at least ten of these now…just kidding I’d make a sex tape….JUST KIDDING! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! OMG MOM THIS IS A JOKE. Oh, quick segue, about my Mom and the text she sent me today. I tweeted a picture of it, but just in case you missed it, it said, “Sorry I’m such a bitch-mom”, and follow me on Twitter. For real, she said that. Because I emailed her saying that I found cheap flight options home so I didn’t need my parents to buy my tickets as a Christmas present (which they offered), so now they could spend $400 on me elsewhere. I wasn’t really kidding. She said “OK” and I asked her if she was serious. She said “No, like when you were little and I used to say ‘Whatever you want honey.'” Insert, “Sorry I’m such a bitch-Mom”. First of all, um, yeah, that’s mean. Second of all, why are you signing your text messages? You have an iPhone and you know I have your number saved. Basically, she did that just because in her sick mind (I know you’re reading this, Mom, and you are sick, beautiful and wise, but sick), since she was a teenager she’s always wanted to use the sentence “Sorry I’m such a bitch-Mom”. Which, honestly, is pretty genius. I can’t wait until I have kids so I can say things like that.)

Wow, what was I talking about? OH YEAH, gifts for your annoying friend/me.

Make a scrapbook titled “People Who Are The Same Age As You…Only WAY More Successful”, if you’re feeling really bitchy (you know, like my Mom) you can add, “And Thinner Than You” to that title.

Just so none of you d-bags do this for me, I’ll do it for myself. Ready?

 

 

Lady Gaga is really fat, guys. We should do something about this.

You don't have to be Team anything to know RPatts is way more famous than you

 

...ermmmughgah

We've come so far from Even Stevens...

Florence may look 37, but she's 25

Sure, they look like frogs and are famous for playing off of Bob Saget's humor as toddlers, but they're getting paid to make clothes now, so it's legit.

 

If I’ve left anyone important out it’s because they either a) Go to my coffee shop b) Go to my yoga class or c) Grew up with me. Sorry. Let’s just not go there with people I know/see/knew in real life. Also, I don’t actually care about any of this. Yuletidings.

 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Brianna permalink
    December 12, 2011 5:06 PM

    Taylor Lautner, Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, and Selena Gomez- all more famous than you, mostly all thinner than you (sorry Demi Lovato- eating disorder rehab will do that to you) All so young you could be arrested for serving them drinks. Oh and Suri Cruise- smaller, more famous, and more hits on her blog.

    xoxo

    ps you should probably add this to your stand up
    pps you clearly visited IMDB’s list of celebrities born in 1986 for this post. Does Leighton Meester go to your coffee shop?

    • December 12, 2011 8:49 PM

      HAHA no, Leighton Meester lives in NY, where Gossip Girl shoots. Mischa Barton goes to my coffee shop. And yes, I did visit IMDB.

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