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December 4, 2011

Holiday Tip Number Three:

How to get what you want.

Honestly, all I want for the holidays is the simple joy of Christmases past: all of us sitting in the living room, the famous lasagna, my Grandmother’s brajole (what can I say…I’d eat meat again if it meant one more meal with her), the tears that come from watching Andrea Boccelli concerts on VHS  (throwback, what?!), and most of all, the infectious laughter of family members no longer with us.

But since that’s not possible here’s a list of things you can buy me…

Seriously, though, I haven’t really wanted or listed anything I want as gifts for a few years now, I’ll drop hints, or just see what happens. Last year my parents bought me a plane ticket home and some thigh-high, salmon colored reindeer socks (seriously…they’re awesome) and that was more than enough. This year, though, in the vein of helping all of you cope with the holidays better (rrrrrright) I’m going to advise you to make a list, check it twice, and then publish it on the internet where those who love you can check and see what you’re looking to reach deep into a fake sock hung on a mantle hook and pull out.

Here’s mine:

This isn't me. Sorry if this is your kid.

-Skis. I have a season pass to Mt. Baldy and don’t own skis or boots yet. Or maybe just buy me poles. I’d take anything.

-Five pairs of American Apparel, black, opaque tights. They inevitably rip and I wear the bejeezus out of them.

-Earrings. I mean, I don’t have a pair of diamond earrings. Aren’t we all supposed to? Okay fine, I’d settle for one CZ earring, that hole in the middle of my left ear is starting to close up…

-While we’re on that topic, I’d like a new cocktail ring. Just cause. Something green, preferably.

-A copy of The Grinch on dvd. The original cartoon, please. Mmmmyes.

These or something like them. (8.5)

-A navy blue peacoat. I had a great one and I left it on a train a few years ago…gone forever. Thanks a lot NJ Transit.

-Fluffy, white, expensive bedding. (and a gallon of bleach…because I tend to drink red wine in bed…sometimes)

-A Canon 7D (they’re cheaper now, right??? RIGHT?!)

-A Costco supply of good razors…and good toilet paper. I’m sick of cutting corners on these crucial items. (designed, please)

-A manicure/pedicure. I sat in exactly one pedicure chair in 2011 so far. Do you know how sad that makes my feet?

-A pair of green/grey classic Toms. (did I say 8.5 already?)


This list is very long, but you have to give everyone options.

Also, you know, world peace and the occupying of some more cities and the economy of the western world not drowning in a sea of disaster and stuff.

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