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Ant It The Truth?

September 12, 2011

I’ve been on a killing spree. Hundreds, if not thousands a day. Genocide without even the slightest bit of remorse.  I cackle, play God, and try and suck up every last one.

I’ve been vacuuming up ants.

The ant problem in our apartment isn’t disgusting exactly, but our various methods of ant elimination are less than pleasant. Did you know that if you put some corn meal on the floor, the ants will take it back to their colony and it will kill all of them in only a day or two? Did you know that if you don’t have corn meal other things will not do? Did you know that your dog will eat corn meal off the floor, with ants peppered on top? Did you know that corn meal makes dogs vomit? Did you know that if there is corn meal on your floor there is probably corn meal on your feet? Did you know that I HATE when there is dirt, food, dust, hair, or anything on the bottom of my feet?

Hence, the vacuuming.

Each time I take out the vacuum, I wonder about these ants, whether they understand that they are being annihilated. When that vacuum turns on and I suck a huge running row of ants up in the bag of uncertain death, do they wonder “Why me?! This happened last week to the Jones’ and I thought it was over. I’ve never seen devastation so bad before, this is catastrophic!”. Should I be tried for war crimes? Genocide? How am I different from Hitler? This extermination doesn’t make me feel good…

…just kidding, it feels awesome. You know why? Because on Saturday I woke up, grabbed a cereal bowl, filled it with some Special K, Red Berries, poured some milk (obviously not real milk, though. Coconut Milk, if we’re being honest), and went to town on those flakes. And then I realized that there were ants in my breakfast. Not because they were in the cereal box (thanksgod), but because they were in the bowl. Crawling all over my counters and sink and everywhere in the kitchen. So, ants, I feel no remorse for smiling and sucking into a vortex daily, because you ruined my cereal, and no one ruins my cereal.

No one.

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