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A Brunette’s Blonde

September 1, 2011

I don’t really like blondes. It’s not that they ever really did anything to me (okay, so my earlier dating years were plagued by guys who moved on to lighter pastures, but that’s all over now) it’s just that I don’t relate. I’m just…so very un-blonde. I might have the lightest features in my immediate family, but that’s just because my hair isn’t borderline black and I my eyes don’t resemble chunks of coal (it’s that crazy Sicilian bloodline!) You see, I have friends that are blonde, so I have to be nice. Someday, I might even dye my hair blonde (although, that seems unlikely), so I really shouldn’t put my foot in my mouth here, but…

Something makes my angry about bright, blonde hair. It somehow acts a reminder that I’ll never be the girly-girl having flowers handed to her on a bridge. Which makes no sense, because I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be blonde. Hell, I don’t even think I’ve ever been given flowers. I do like bridges though, so take note, I’d love to be given flowers to on a bridge. I miss bridges. Oh, okay, right. Blondes. Onward and upward…

Herein lies the rub: I really like Laura Linney. I know, “uh, yeah, she’s won three Emmys, two Golden Globes, and been an Oscar nominee thrice” (I really wanted to use the word “thrice” today). I KNOW! She also went to Northwestern, and then transferred to Brown, and then went to Julliard. So we can all take a moment here to recognize that she’s no grape dum-dum. She’s a brunette’s blonde. Yup. I said it, and thus, it is a real phrase. There’s nothing blonde about Laura Linney except her hair color. I don’t even want to like her. I want to think she’s pretentious and overrated and irritating, but she’s not. She’s found a way to be too real to be read as pretentious, she’s actually mostly underrated, and maybe she’s irritating at times, but isn’t everyone who went to an Ivy League school irritating at times? Also, she wasn’t even famous until she was 34. You know what that’s like nowadays? That’s like Emma Roberts PLUS Elle Fanning. Literally. I try to “idolize” (I use that word very loosely, because very few people are deserving of idolatry) people whom I feel like I could emulate, you know, brunettes, so this was difficult. I didn’t know how to categorize the roles that Linney had played until I created the term “brunette’s blonde”. Uh, like “man’s man” or “comedian’s comedian”.

I know it seems like I’m angry about this, but I’m not. I was watching The Big C the other day and realized that I was watching a phenomenon take place: a woman who doesn’t look like she’s pretending to be fifteen years younger than her actual age/the character she is portraying is the centerpiece of this highly successful show. I don’t know what it means, but I’m just glad that not everyone has botoxed their face into submission.

Uh oh, now I’m mad that I’m promoting the overindulgence of actors. I hate that our society puts such weight on “celebrities” and actors. Why do I need to look up to Laura Linney to feel good about myself? Is it because I don’t know enough painters or choreographers to model myself after? Is it because I’m an actor and I need a frame of reference for the kind of career that I’d like to have? Is it because we, as Americans, are so inundated with mass-produced entertainment that we are unable to recognize good outside of a screen? Anyone?

*No blondes were harmed in the writing of this article

PS: If we could all just agree to put Hugh Dancy in my pants all TV shows, I think I’d be happier.

PPS: Sorry, Claire Danes, that’s what you get for stealing a brunette’s baby daddy…while she’s still pregnant. Old wounds…old wounds.

One Comment leave one →
  1. September 1, 2011 3:15 PM

    I don’t like blonds either!!! Nothing against them. I am just attracted to men with dark skin and hair.
    I think it’s great you’re looking up to someone. Gotta have someone who’s made it to show us the way. Who cares where they’re from! I like it.

    And what happened with Claire Danes? I am out of the loop!

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