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>Why I Couldn’t Be A Stripper (even though I kind of wish that I could)

January 17, 2011

>So today marks two months since leaving NY (I think. I might’ve just made that up, though) and I still don’t have a job. I worked for about 10 hours in the last two months. I’m totally not even kidding you. Just realizing that made me want to cannonball out my window.

Have I leads? Yes. Have I income? No. What’s one to do in this situation? Well, lots of cleaning, lots of hours (and parking meter quarters) of running from bar/restaurant to bar/restaurant with a (somewhat fabricated…okay not fabricated, but exaggerated) resume with my smiling photo in the upper left-hand corner, many hours on Craigslist and lots of emailed attachments, some reading, booking two stand up shows (I know…that’s good, right?! Want to come? Comment for info in the LA area!), and the occasional foray into a bar with a half-buttoned shirt and a manager’s name memorized. Yes, I used my boobs to try and get a job that I didn’t even get (although I did get eye fucked…sigh).

So let me be real with everyone for a minute. Real about stripping. I don’t condone disrespecting yourself for cash, but I get it. When you’ve got flotation device boobies, or abs that would make Denise Austin blush, or a tush that don’t quit [I am in no way suggesting that I do, or do not have any of these, I’m just commenting] and a checking account resembling the digestive system of an anorexic teenager (empty…get it? empty. sigh) it may be tempting to run to your local “Girls Girls Girls!” establishment. Let me give you a few reasons why you shouldn’t (aka: a way to convince myself that I shouldn’t):

1) You are bound to see someone you know in the audience. Most likely a family member or former teacher. It is never going to feel like Christmas again at Uncle Tim’s house.

2) Someone will try and have sex with you at work. This is pretty likely in almost every job, but it’s damn guaranteed if you’re a stripper.

3) Those days when you just don’t want to go to work but you have to? You have to go get naked in a room full of drunk, smelly, ugly strangers.

4) You don’t get to choose who gets a lap dance.

5) Your parents will find out. And they will cry and tell you that they would have sent you a check…if you’d just asked.

6) You will fall and break your ankle in those shoes. You just will.

7) You’ll probably get raped on your way out to your car one night.

8) You will get pregnant.

I hope this has been helpful. If you need me I’ll be down at “All Nude” around 10 pm tomorrow night.*


*I’m kidding. Gosh.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 17, 2011 7:07 PM

    >I know a stripper… the funny thing is, the part that she said was the worst was the way it messed with her sleep cycle. She also had the benefit of doing it in a city where she didn't know anybody, and then she left that city once she quit stripping.

  2. January 17, 2011 8:21 PM

    >I would totally go if I was in the area. To your standup, not to All Nude.I have to be honest, I don't know any strippers nor have I ever been to a strip club. Does that mean I haven't lived?Hope the standup goes well. And I hope you find a job that doesn't require unleashing the secret weapons soon.

  3. January 18, 2011 5:39 AM

    >I feel I may have contributed to this.

  4. January 19, 2011 7:41 AM

    >Benny-WELCOME! Strippers are AMAZING…tell me MORE about her?Tom-I totally thought you meant to my strip show…hilarious. Thanks for the support, regardless.Randall-No worries, I was thinkin' bout strippers and hos long before I read your whirlwind of a story. 😉

  5. January 19, 2011 4:43 PM

    >So THAT'S what you mean by "stand-up shows." Gotcha.

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